Demarini to Release New Bat That Instantly Fixes Swing Mechanics, Sources Say
HILLSBORO, OR--Hitting coaches might be at risk of losing their jobs following the leak of groundbreaking information from the Demarini headquarters this past Monday. An anonymous source has revealed plans for the company to release a new bat that will totally fix all the mechanical flaws in any batter’s swing. Although parents and players have believed that expensive, sleekly designed bats have always been able to do this, our source has indicated that this time it’s for real.
“We realized that once parents and athletes realized that a bat can’t miraculously make a swing any better, the mechanically challenged players would stop buying our most expensive products. So we had our engineers get to work.”
It’s estimated that kids with terrible swings make up about 85% of the market for high-end bats across brands. Although these young ballplayers have seen virtually no positive results from using these high-end bats as opposed to those of a more modest price, it usually takes an average of 3-4 years to realize that the bat might not be the real issue.
“We’re excited for the news! Our kid already hits dingers with his CF Zen, so we know that this new development will take him to the next level,” one parent remarked. By “dinger” he clarified that he was referring to any ball that rolls to the outfield grass.
Some of the technology in the new bats includes a ball detecting device embedded in the “sweet spot” of the barrel and a more aerodynamic design to help bat speed. A chip containing a highly sophisticated mind and body control software will also be included with every bat, which is to be inserted into the player’s neck. This chip will program every player to swing like Ken Griffey Jr. without any training at all--every player and parent’s dream come true.
It will be interesting to see how this affects Little League and tournament baseball in the coming years as the technology will definitely give hitters an advantage over pitchers. Wilson is already in the process of engineering a glove to correct fielding mechanics as a response. One thing is certain: the future of baseball is in technology, not training.